Please Never Fall in Love Again

I write this a few days away from a milestone date of sorts. 26th January. No, Not the Indian Republic Day (National Holiday). The upcoming 26th of January marks for me, 7 years of marriage and 11 years of being in love with one of the greatest beings* in this world. Every second has been a blessing and every day a dream. She has shaped and molded me into a better person.

I never thought I had the capacity to love this much. Meeting her, falling in love with her, and deciding to spend my life with her are probably some of the most consequential decisions I have taken in my life and for once in my self-hating life, I have something to be proud about.

Having said all of this, I do have a piece of advice after more than a decade of being in love and loved. It goes something like this :

PLEASE NEVER FALL IN LOVE AGAIN

Hold on. Let me explain.

Every Hollywood, Netflix, Bollywood, and Kollywood show/movie teaches us the following sequence of events:

Meet cute or Accidental Run in -> Sparks fly -> Background music -> Wind from nowhere and Hair flies about -> Fall wildly in love -> External challenges (Caste, wealth, long-distance..etc) ->Overcome challenges while increasingly falling in love -> Live happily ever after in a foreign country or exotic location.

The key term to highlight here is “falling in love”. We all await to be swooped by that mysterious stranger, to fall in love with the charming prince/princess.

As an example, this is how a typical love story should go (genders and pronouns don’t matter):

The scene opens in a sunny grassland surrounded by Snowy mountains (Imagine Switzerland). The boy is walking along, notices a rush of wind from behind, sees Girl (surrounded by light and fragrance). His eyes sparkle, their eyes meet. Chemistry ensues. They hold hands. Magically a castle appears out of thin air as the boy and girl enter the castle to live their lives. Boy as the king to his subjects and girl as the queen, with the villagers bowing.

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Now, what’s wrong with that story? Nothing much. Who doesn’t enjoy a nice fanciful escape into fantasy? But the problematic part is the expectation that comes along with the connotation of “falling in love”. By definition, if we fall in love with someone doesn’t it mean that we also fall out of love with someone. Also, what does falling in love with someone mean? Certainly not the physical appearance of someone because that’s constantly changing and skin deep. Even if we fall in love with the so-called inner beauty of someone doesn’t mean it isn’t going to change. Lucifer was once an angel too.

Why hypotheticals? Let's cut deeper. She fell in love with me and me with her. For whatever reason. For eg., let us say some of those reasons were, She thought I was Kind, funny, self-secure, and honest/Sincere. Seeing the previous traits in me she decided to hitch her wagon to mine. Now let’s take a sample year in this journey. One of the worst years infact. A year in which I went through physical, mental, and professional distress. A year in which I was physically debilitated due to illness, verbally acerbic/Rude to everyone around me due to financial stress, mentally insecure/anxious due to professional issues, and non-communicative/Opaque due to all the above. There was not one reason to remain fallen in love with me anymore against the original list. So why was she?

Because She didn’t only see the person I had become (Physically and mentally), she also saw the person I can become or should become. She was the hope for a better tomorrow. An incentive to build for the future.

Falling in Love. Sounds romantic but unfortunately also sounds temporary. It is even in the way we say it. “Love marriage”. First, it was love, then marriage. The end.

Falling in love implies temporary subjugation of rational sense to serotonin and other hormones and somehow, we wake up from a stupor later. If that’s the definition, I implore you to not fall in love. Because for one reason or the other you will fall out of it. Instead, embrace the journey. Try to improve yourself and the person you are traveling with. Create an open space of mutual respect and care. Give as much as you take. Don’t take them or tomorrow for granted and be grateful. That way you are not commemorating some long-forgotten magical “falling in love” moment that happened years ago but are actively working on something that is alive here and now.

I told a fairy tale story as an example earlier, now to end this with a more realistic story:

The scene opens in a dark, cloudy grassland. The boy is depressed and angry at something and muttering in the rain. Can't remember what. He bumps into another girl in the rain. Apologizes. They start talking and jointly laugh about the shitty weather. He likes her laugh and likes the fact that he can make her laugh.

He extends her hand and offers to accompany her through the remainder of the shitty journey. She agrees. They walk for a few days. The weather is still bad. But their journey is filled with laughter and smiles. Suddenly she notices that he is missing. She looks back to see he has taken a shovel and is digging a hole quite deep. She rushes back to see him sitting in the hole. He is no longer funny; his eyes are swollen and brooding.

She says from above the pit: “Come on, I know the weather is bad but let's go”

He responds: “I can’t make it, it’s too tough, if you want somebody better, please find them and move on. I can’t make it out of this pit. It’s too high”

She says: “Yes you can, and I want the journey to be with you. Just try harder, you can make it out of there”

He shouts angrily “I told you to go and leave me alone. My fate is to be alone in this pit. No one can help me”

She silently jumps into the pit and sits next to him

He asks “What are you doing? Now we are both stuck in the pit”

She says “True, but you aren’t alone anymore”

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I Repeat.

Please never fall in love again

However, Embrace the love that lifts you from your dark place again and again and again.

Happy anniversary in advance to the one and only *being in my life.