Alone Together: Navigating the Paradox of Modern Loneliness

Somebody I know recently asked me, “How are you okay being lonely all the time?”

I corrected him/her (half out of habit and half out of anger) that “I am not lonely, I just like being alone.”

But immediately after saying that, I realized that I don't really know the difference. More importantly, I don't know what “loneliness” means. So I decided to make better use of my “alone” time by understanding what loneliness is and how it affects us.

Origin of loneliness

For much of modern history, loneliness was never a thing. Not kidding. Of course, we had much bigger, more fatal problems to deal with—bears, ice ages, lack of food, and the common cold. Humans existed in tribes; to exit that tribe and wander into the wilderness meant certain death. Therefore, it was safe to say that while people might have experienced loneliness, not many survived to describe the feeling.

The early origins of the word are now traced to the early 16th century, coincidentally the time around which people started traveling for purpose or pleasure. Ship journeys. Mankind had started to conquer the seas by now, which meant that there was an accessible and safe way for a reasonable percentage of the population to cross the oceans. However, this meant being months on the ocean and then spending years away from one’s home and family. This physical isolation was unbearable for many.

In fact, the word itself was used, at that time, by many priests in their sermons as a physical place. Loneliness equaled the middle of the ocean, desert, hell, or grave—a physical barrier that separated man or woman from contact with their neighbor or kin.

Fast forwarding from the 16th century to the early 20th century, one major shift started to represent loneliness. The shift from rural to urban living led to increased social mobility and individualism, contributing to feelings of loneliness despite being surrounded by people. Interestingly, in denser cities as compared to villages, where there were more people than any village could ever contain, people expressed themselves as being lonely. So “loneliness” went from a physical state or descriptor to a trait or subjective descriptor like “sad” or “angry.”

In fact, it was classified as an affliction or malaise that needed to be treated. Early psychologists placed the blame for loneliness on the individual themselves. The term “loner” came into existence to classify somebody as out of the ordinary.

Fast forward from the 20th century to now. We are even more connected now. Every loved one, friend, or foe awaits at the touch of a button. Imagine this: two lovers separated by geography (North and South India) had to wait months to communicate (by letter or visit). This was for the privileged few who could afford it.

Now, there is no corner of the world that your lover or friend can go to that they are more than an hour away from immediate reach (video call, audio call, text message). But loneliness was declared in 2021 as a global public health priority, in line with diabetes, heart disease, etc. Does this mean loneliness has gone mainstream?

Something doesn't add up right. The more we are connected, the more we are lonely?

Loneliness Now

Now that we are no longer living in caves or undertaking year-long journeys, it is time we revisited the definition of loneliness. The most clinical or scientific definition of loneliness that I can find is:

“Loneliness is a complex and distressing emotional experience characterized by the perception that one's social relationships are insufficient in terms of quantity or quality. It is a subjective feeling of being disconnected or isolated from others, even when surrounded by people. This perception often arises from a discrepancy between the social interactions one desires and those that are actually available.”

Wow…that’s a lot to unpack. Let's try to break down what this definition implies. Loneliness is :

-... Subjective: Loneliness can no longer be traced to physical isolation or separation. It is possible to feel lonely in a crowd and in our bedrooms.

- ... Perception-based: You will be stunned to find that the most jovial and extroverted person you know might describe themselves as feeling lonely. It is not about having “X” friends or “Y” game nights; it is about having “enough.”

- ... Social and emotional: One can feel lonely if they lack social attachment or emotional attachment or both.

Of course, one can argue that loneliness is a human milestone that all of us must cross. As we grow old and see our loved ones fade away from us, it is only natural to feel lonely. Interestingly, loneliness now is more rampant in the younger age brackets (18 years old - 40 years old).

What explains this?

All of us have a mobile phone, a social media account, and we interact with and consume content constantly. Our networks are wide and span multiple geographies. We are constantly driven by work, family, education, goals, etc.

Yet we are termed the lonely generation?

Am I lonely?

Of course, this is the hardest question to answer. Each of us reading this will not want to admit it.

“Hey, I have a job, I am independent, I travel, go to parties, and have a zillion friends. You think I am lonely???!!!!”

I can wax eloquent about how all of us feel lonely at some point or the other and there is a chance that we have been battling chronic loneliness, etc. But why bother?

Click this link and take this assessment and answer the questions as truthfully as you can.

Are you lonely?

This is the UCLA Loneliness Scale and is widely regarded as a good high-level indicator. You will answer 10 questions. The scores range from 20-80 points:

- Scores of 20 to 40 are considered low to moderate in terms of loneliness.

- Scores of 40 to 60 are considered moderate to high in terms of loneliness.

- Scores above 60 are considered high in terms of loneliness.

Anything above 60 and you should consult a psychiatrist or psychologist.

Why is it important?

Simple. If you are concerned about baldness, cancer, cardiac arrest, diabetes, or BP, you should also be worried about loneliness. It's a human affliction. Here are some numbers from surveys held around the world:

- 1 in 5 people report that they feel very lonely.

- More than 50% of adults in the age group of 18 to 40 years old report that they feel lonely.

- In general, rates of reported loneliness are similar between men and women. Global results show that 24% of both men and women report feeling very or fairly lonely.

- People who report high levels of loneliness are at higher risk of physical diseases (cardiovascular) and mental health issues (depression, anxiety).

What is the solution?

I’ll be honest with you, we don't have one. Of course, we have CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), group-based interventions, medications, etc., as options. But the solution for each of us can vary. The single biggest step you can take is to identify the signs and seek help early.

I don't have a solution but consolation.

In a few years, there might be more lonely people than normal ones. People will understand that no amount of IG stories and thirst traps/memes fills that void they feel, and then there will be active conversation regarding the role of social media, technology, and the structure of society.

Till then, hold on and take care of yourself.

I leave you with this quote by Robin Williams:

“I used to think the worst thing in life is to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.”

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P.S - if you want to read more on this topic, below are some material i will recommend :

1. Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection by John T. Cacioppo and William Patrick

2. Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World by Vivek H. Murthy

3. The Lonely Century: How to Restore Human Connection in a World That's Pulling Apart by Noreena Hertz

4. Lost Connections: Uncovering the Real Causes of Depression – and the Unexpected Solutions by Johann Hari