People like you

Well, they don’t like you really, but that’s not the topic for today. In almost every app, platform, and interface that we touch today a blessed algorithm ensures it suggests something like this:

“ Based on your preferences. Here are:

· People you might like to follow

· Food items that you might like to eat

· Restrooms you might enjoy

· And so on “

The funny thing about having the world at one’s fingertip is that the world is narrower and tinier than it ever was. Our bubbles have become smaller, more opaque, and increasingly tougher to break out of.

WhatsApp groups define our daily mood, Instagram influencers define our outlook, and the Twitter trolls we hate on define our politics.

I recently came across a friend enrolling her son in a class(apparently now everything is called a cohort) with peers of “similar lifestyle, interest and ambition”. Her main complaint was that she wants her son to make friends who have similar interests and passion.

While I understand where she comes from, how can one think having literal mirrors or echoes as friends is a good idea?

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Twenty years ago, I used to live a settled life. In a big joint family, in a less than average school, I was top of the heap, star of the bunch and poor as fuck. I was in the Top 5 rank in a school which was in the bottom 5 rank in the city, what was there to worry about? Future for me was a topic of no concern. There were no lingering questions. Just certainty, Tamil movies and the question of which hairstyle to maintain.

As it so happened, we moved to a different part of the city, into a much smaller apartment. The street was full of apartments with kids of all ages. Mostly full of kids who went to much better schools. After a few weeks of the moving, I was still maintaining my regular schedule of school and home. It was my mom who bullied me into going out into the street and meeting “Kids like me”

After my patient explanation of how these kids were not like me got me nowhere, I relented. One afternoon, a bunch of kids was playing cricket in the opposite apartment. I randomly went and introduced myself, as normal kids do.

Twenty years later, I was and I am right. I was nothing like those kids. Eren and Armin (names changed..duh) were studying in Chettinad Vidyashram and already had peer pressured/self-driven road maps for themselves in place. They were also the smartest people I had met yet so far. Therefore my certainty with life was almost laughable when I saw them being self-doubting In their preparations to study abroad and other such goals.

Coming back to the question of true variety and spontaneity in the nature of people we interact with. There are three areas in which truly different people change you:

1.Your taste

I have always had the habit of reading books but predominantly in my mother tongue till I met Erin. While it could be argued that things like Harry potter et al would have penetrated regardless of people's recommendations, I would like to highlight a certain incident. Jointly visiting the library used to be a weekend ritual introduced by Eren into my life.

My budget would be 2-3 books and his would be 4-5 books. The idea would be to read each other's selection also so that we can get full value for the lot in 15 days. Remember that this was before the time of reviews, goodreads, and Facebook, and such.

I was just about getting used to reading English books and that too crime fiction because they were easier( John Grisham and such). On one such trip, Eren declared he was taking “Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy” knowing that he won't be able to read it and that he wants me to read it. To get my opinion/review. To this day, I do know that there is no other book that has had a larger impact on my life in terms of impact. Was it random? Yeah sure. Would I have come across that book and read it fully if some list suggested it to me? Probably not

It is no doubt that my exposure to mainstream things like Hollywood movies, novels, and comics would have been inevitable with or without Eren. However, without Eren, I would not be the person sitting here and typing this. I would have eventually known about Arthur.C.Clarke, not then. I don’t think, I would be the person I am now if that didn’t happen then

2.Your exposure

Before that summer of moving into that street, it is important to understand that I have never had what is now called a Cable TV connection. Of course, Indian Cricket following is maniacal is across class structures and that’s something one is used to. But in Eren’s house in that big ass TV with home theatre, I was exposed to something new for the first time in my life. The sound and sight of which will never leave me. A premier league football match.

Didn’t even know the rules of football a month back and after the summer I knew starting elevens of all the clubs involved and was yelling “Fergie time” whenever the clock started coming to 90 (Eren was a Man Utd Fan). It is impossible that a kid from south Chennai feels a bond with a club from south London but that’s what was happening. Transfer deadline was followed minute-wise, budgets analyzed and Players vetted. Maybe we just had too much time but to say that I was unrecognizable in the manner In which I spent my time was an understatement

3.Your ambition

I Joined the same engineering college as Armin so that there is a known face. Armin by nature is the life of a social situation as opposed to me who is usually the dead flowers that lie around its wake. Armin’s friends were always surprised by my presence (“how are you still here?”). We had football in common amongst the many asynchronicities. Almost every weeknight during college we used to play with a local team, those were some of the best times of my college life.

But as time went on, the time we began to spend together came down. Even though he had stated it many times, him/Eren going to study abroad came as a complete surprise to me. They were preparing for exams while I was preparing for placements to get a job.

For I couldn’t study abroad, Not only from a financial perspective but from a preparatory perspective too. They have been preparing for this for a long time. I realized the value of having long-term goals. While every relative and friend congratulated me on getting a job on placement day 0 (like I was supposed to ), I felt like a failure. Like I was following a laid path with no escape.

This might sound depressing, but this is an important lesson. I would have been perfectly content with that mediocre job and settled for it if that discontent on seeing what my friends were capable of had not settled in. It is not jealousy but possible potential

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We are barely in touch now, if any except for social media pleasantries. I don’t think we will probably even meet at any point again. That happens and that’s okay. The intention is not to find a cohort/BFF for a kid to last her/his life. The intention is to have a set of relationships that have the most amount of positive impact on your kid’s life. Eventually we all settle in our class and economy driven bubbles

Why the rush?

Twenty years ago, Let’s assume there was a social app (FB/Insta) and let us say there was Eren’s mom, My Mom, and Armen’s mom on the network. Would the algorithm have suggested them to my mom as “People like you”? Maybe, Maybe not.

I am still glad I crossed that street and made that awkward intro to Eren/Armen, who are not people like me